Amazingly, I never ever felt dislike for my daughter. I was just full of fear whenever 7pm came, because I knew she would start crying, I would start crying, then the bottles, the preparing of formula. And I would just wish the night to be over. I would feel jealous when I saw women breastfeeding wondering – why can’t that be me? Everybody was telling me “Give it time, you’ll have milk.” “Try and relax so that the hormones are released as they cannot be able to produce milk while you are depressed”. The doctor kept advising me to give my baby my breasts so she could stimulate them to produce milk. But I couldn’t keep giving her empty breasts and she eventually got tired of suckling on nothing. Whenever I gave her my titties, she would cry furiously and refuse to suckle. I hated my breasts so much, I hated myself more and if anyone would have cut them off then, I would have been glad.
I eventually gave up trying to breastfeed her, I gave up trying to wait for milk, I gave up pressing and cursing my breasts and I decided to fully give her formula. This was my turning point.
Every step my hubby was there. Encouraging me, wiping away my tears, hugging me and telling me everything will be okay. And true to his word. Everything eventually turned out to be okay. I have a healthy baby girl, full of smiles. She never cries, she feeds well and she is such a happy toto. She’s full of health, there are no signs whatsoever that she never breast fed. She’s so disciplined at her tiny age. So independent. I bathe her after I come from work at eight o’clock, we pray, she takes her bottle and she’ll sleep throughout the night. Ever since she was six months she has always slept through the night, wakes up at nine when I’ve already left for work. She’s an amazing girl, a gift from God that is priceless and golden. She brings me so much happiness, she has taught me so much – unconditional love and patience. She is the angel everyone wants to have. And when I usually tell people how she feeds and sleeps and no one ever believes me. They are like “The whole night? Without waking up? And she wakes up at nine? You’re lying Pauline” But it’s all true….. All true….
God has many ways of blessing us, and I can tell you for free, my not breastfeeding Njeri (My little angels) is blessing in disguise. She became so perfect, so great, that I forgot all the severe stress I had. I forgot about my depression, I forgot the tears and I look forward to getting many angels as per God’s will. Every time I look at her, I lift up my eyes to God with a thankful heart that she belongs to me.